Recently in Racist! Category
What follows is an early treatment from aspiring screenwriter Bobo's portfolio, a potential starring vehicle for Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry, or possibly Mo'Nique.
CHARLEMAGNE: FIT TO BE QUEEN
Sassy Charlemagne, a hottie from Harlem, is a bit on the plump side--or, as she would say, "More of me to love!"--who finds her life TURNED UPSIDE DOWN one day when, on her daily trip to the corner deli, she discovers that the Little Debbie discount snack-cake company has discontinued her favorite high-fat snack cake, "The Big Ms." ("Oh no they didn't!" she bellows.) Fueled by rage and hunger--as she would say, "A woman's gotta eat!"--Charlemagne goes on a mission to GET TO THE BOTTOM of this snack-cake conundrum.
When Little Debbie, Inc. declines to answer her fevered queries--"Why that stuck-up CRACKER bitch!" she roars--Charlemagne rallies a bunch of her fellow fattie sistahs to travel with her by bus to the Little Debbie factory in Pittsburgh. When they arrive though, they discover that the plant is closed to visitors that day, as the President of the United States of America, on his reelection campaign tour, is visiting the Little Debbie factory to talk to the workers there in a staged photo op. Enraged, Charlemagne rallies her friends to literally STORM THE GATES of the plant! But by the time she's charged clear through the steel doors and sees that she's headed right towards the president, momentum is carrying her along...she can't stop!--and she fatally bodyslams the Prez right into the cake press! We end the scene on Charlemagne's big beautiful cringing face: "Did I do that?"
We cut to the following day. The president is dead and our Charlemagne is in prison. The case against her appears to be pretty open and shut. But the day is saved when a team of legal scholars and American historians unearth a long-forgotten clause in the Constitution of Independence!
Legal Scholar: (incredulously reading directly from the Constitution of Independence) : "...in the event of accidental death by sassy fat black lady, the presidency shall be dissolved and she shall become the Queen of the United States of America!"
Charlemagne: "It say that?"
Legal Scholar: "It does, it's right here."
Charlemagne: (seizing Constitution) : "Let me see that dusty old 'paper!" (reading) "Well, I'll be! It does!"
The film then follows Charlemagne's first days as Queen (including a hilarious incident at her coronation on the Washington Monument where, due to some pre-coronation nerves, she gets REALLY BAD gas and rips a series of thunderous, heavily amplified farts...literally causing the REFLECTING POOL to splash over all assembled!) until we discover the real conflict at the heart of the movie. For Charlemagne to get her happy ending, she will have to defeat a villainous Whitey from the ACLU (who objects to her seizing of the crown and who denies the Constitutional basis of Charlemagne's coronation) all while winning over a VERY skeptical American public.
Convincing them that she is Fit to Be Queen is going to take some doing on Charlemagne's part. But it'll be a breeze convincing moviegoers that "Charlemagne" is fat, black, and hilarious!
-----
When asked by his fellow Feys if Charlemagne isn't a racist piece of crassly commercial garbage a la Norbit, he was quick to assure us that Charlemagne is a TRUE LABOR OF LOVE, and is intended to be taken seriously as filmic art, not as a sell-out concept, and he invites movie producers, agents, and representatives for Mr. Murphy, Mr. Lawrence, Mr. Perry, and Ms. 'Nique to contact him in the comments.
My post about the disproportionate support for Proposition 8 among black Californians raised Bmad's hackles. He basically called me a racist in the comments!!! Well, he's dead wrong: I'm no racist! (Well, except for that one ethnic group...not telling which!) While I don't think I said anything wrong in that post--those numbers are worthy of comment, and they point to an issue of actual concern--one thing I hadn't anticipated was white gays' already-infamous propensity for loathsome, faggoty REAL LIFE NO JOKE RACISM jumping up a notch in the wake of those statistics.
Rod 2.0 has been fielding reports from various African-American protesters (gay and straight) who've found themselves on the receiving end of gay hate at anti-Prop 8 demonstrations around Los Angeles.
This from a protest in Westwood:
Clearly, the people responsible for the passage of Proposition 8 are, in descending order A) (white, natch) Mormon activists; B) No on 8 activists and supporters who failed to persuade voters not to vote "Yes; and then C) all Californians who voted "Yes," including but not limited to the black voters among them.
Apparently, this simple fact has been utterly lost on several of the homos out protesting this week. To these guys, I say: You know what's more important than gay marriage? NOT BEING RACIST!
(via Rod 2.0. His post, and several of its better comments, go into this with far more sensitivity and insight than I've mustered here.)
Rod 2.0 has been fielding reports from various African-American protesters (gay and straight) who've found themselves on the receiving end of gay hate at anti-Prop 8 demonstrations around Los Angeles.
This from a protest in Westwood:
It was like being at a klan rally except the klansmen were wearing Abercrombie polos and Birkenstocks. YOU NIGGER, one man shouted at men. If your people want to call me a FAGGOT, I will call you a nigger. Someone else said same thing to me on the next block near the temple...me and my friend were walking, he is also gay but Korean, and a young WeHo clone said after last night the niggers better not come to West Hollywood if they knew what was BEST for them.And this from WeHo (my home!):
Three older men accosted my friend and shouted, "Black people did this, I hope you people are happy!" A young lesbian couple with mohawks and Obama buttons joined the shouting and said there were "very disappointed with black people" and "how could we" after the Obama victory. This was stupid for them to single us out because we were carrying those blue NO ON PROP 8 signs! I pointed that out and the one of the older men said it didn't matter because "most black people hated gays" and he was "wrong" to think we had compassion. That was the most insulting thing I had ever heard. I guess he never thought we were gay.Excuse me while I VOM from guilt and disgust! Seems my idiotic assumption that most gays have the maturity to distinguish between allies and enemies and the decency to either not be total fucking racists or to at least keep their total fucking racism to themselves has come back to haunt me.
Clearly, the people responsible for the passage of Proposition 8 are, in descending order A) (white, natch) Mormon activists; B) No on 8 activists and supporters who failed to persuade voters not to vote "Yes; and then C) all Californians who voted "Yes," including but not limited to the black voters among them.
Apparently, this simple fact has been utterly lost on several of the homos out protesting this week. To these guys, I say: You know what's more important than gay marriage? NOT BEING RACIST!
(via Rod 2.0. His post, and several of its better comments, go into this with far more sensitivity and insight than I've mustered here.)
Exit polling suggests that California's African-American voters voted "Yes" on anti-gay ballot initiative Proposition 8 by a heartmelting 70%. Their disproportionate support of the measure was likely the deciding factor in nullifying the marriages of thousands of gay Californians. I've been too ecstatic all day to get appropriately riled about this, but with the buzz fading I'm at the point now where I'm not even reconsidering my borderline inflammatory post title.
I'm not alone. Dan Savage has these choice words on the matter:
On a related point, JoeMyGod has done some Wednesday Morning Quarterbacking about No on 8's ad efforts that I'm inclined to agree with:
I’m not sure what to do with this. I’m thrilled that we’ve just elected our first African-American president. I wept last night. I wept reading the papers this morning. But I can’t help but feeling hurt that the love and support aren’t mutual. I do know this, though: I’m done pretending that the handful of racist gay white men out there—and they’re out there, and I think they’re scum—are a bigger problem for African Americans, gay and straight, than the huge numbers of homophobic African Americans are for gay Americans, whatever their color.
Finally, I’m searching for some exit poll data from California. I’ll eat my shorts if gay and lesbian voters went for McCain at anything approaching the rate that black voters went for Prop 8.
Maybe the No On 8 side just tippy-toed too fucking gingerly around outright attacks against the religious right, for fear of appearing to attack religion in general. Most of the No On 8 ads (especially the early ones) were weak soap operas - silly, trifling, soft-selling of basic human rights that didn't even have ACTUAL GAY PEOPLE in them. We should have been screaming bloody murder from the very start.The silver lining in this shit cloud is the fact that as president, and as a role model of a whole new order for black Americans, Barack Obama--although definitely an overcautious triangulator on the issue of gay marriage--at least has the potential to be a real leader on the issue of African-American homophobia. His little shout-out to teh gays last night was a good start.
Only that Mormon Home Invasion ad had the proper tenor....and that one came from the Courage Campaign, not No On 8. When the Mormon millions began to flow, what we should have done is point out the outrageous hypocrisy of a church that is mostly known for its historical affinity for racism and polygamy DARING to tell other people how to live. My ad would have started with, "This is Mormon founder Joseph Smith. And this is his wife. And so is this. And so is THIS. And so is THIS....." Smith's 33 or so wives would have fleshed out a 30-second clip very nicely.
(UPDATE: This post's tone of mock-indignation has been exposed as ill-considered by recent events in gay racism.)
With the historic election of Barack Obama a new (probably brief?) mood of across-the-aisle cooperation and goodwill has dawned in America.
We'll see how long this spirit prevails, but while it does, let us all--Democrats and Republicans--come together and join forces at last in expressing our deepest hatred and disgust for brain-damaged windup-toy (and now race-baiter!) Ralph Nader, officially THE FIRST PERSON shitty enough to attempt taking a cold piss on our post-election bliss.
When Shep frikking Smith manages to give you The Slow Burn Scowl from The Moral High Road, you know you're a big fat fail.
With one more day to go before the impending BARACKALYPSE, John McCain is letting loose! According to Elisabeth Bumiller's must-read story in today's New York Times, McCain is LOLing his way to defeat - telling Henny Youngman jokes, popping pills, listening to "Life is a Highway" and eating Doritos. Here are some highlights:During the day he gets almost no exercise, eats the candy and junk food strewn all over his bus, and naps slumped in his seat in the curtained-off front section of his plane. The national reporters he once called his “base” remain banished in the back; aides say he is convinced that they are all rooting for Mr. Obama.Don't forget to send John McCain back to his 8 retirement homes tomorrow!
Mr. McCain takes an Ambien if he needs one, but in these last days there is scant sleep on the schedule.
But the “get off my lawn” tone of the angry guy across the street has at times become a more neighborly “give me a break.”
Senator John McCain sat in the back of his campaign bus telling his favorite Henny Youngman jokes. No one laughed harder than he did.“It was one after another — ‘Take my wife, please,’ ” said Senator Lindsey Graham, a South Carolina Republican and one of Mr. McCain’s closest friends
My position on Chris Crocker has always been, appropriately, LEAVE CHRIS CROCKER ALONE! But after this nauseating endorsement of Barack Obama, in which he decides that the occasion of electing a black president is as good a time as any to break out an offensive (and also just really weak) impersonation of a Sassy Black, I think I'm going to have to cast a write-in ballot for Tay Zonday this year.
I am supporting John McCain b/c of all the other wonderful ladies who are supporting him! Like Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe Farms, who refused to give candy (or "handouts") to children on Halloween if they or their parents are "tricksters or liars," you know, Obama supporters.
When asked about children who were turned away empty-handed and crying, she said: "Oh well. Everybody has a choice."It's about time somebody stood up to these Halloween WELFARE QUEENS! Mean mommies unite!
To steal a racist joke from this clip's PoeTV comment thread: Avaranche.
Could Wendy Button be the
stupidest person in history? In today’s Daily Beast, the former Democratic
Party speechwriter and professional crybaby announced that she is voting for
John McCain because John Edwards was nicer to her than Barack Obama. And because the Democrats were meanies to Joe the
Plumber too!
Ms. Button’s rambling, illogical hissy fit is an embarrassment from start to finish. Here are some highlights:
On Pig Palin:
“And when someone can sit on a stage during the Sarah Palin rap on Saturday Night Live, put her hands in the air and watch someone in a moose costume get shot—that’s a sign of both humor and humanity.”
Yes,
sitting on the stage during SNL is an important qualification for the Vice
Presidency.
“Has she made mistakes? Of course, she’s human too.”
Um…SHE
BROKE THE LAW!!!
"When someone takes on a corrupt political machine and a sitting governor, that is not done by someone with a low I.Q. or a moral core made of tissue paper."
Okay. Except that Palin IS a corrupt political machine. And YOU have a low I.Q and the moral core of a USED TAMPON.
On Sexism:
The Democrats “They went after [Hillary Clinton's] cleavage.”
And by "Democrats," she means "Fox News."
"We have Republicans raising Ayers and Democrats fostering ageism with “erratic” and jokes about Depends. Sexism. Racism. Ageism and maybe some Socialism have all made their ugly cameos in election 2008."
So Republicans are racist and
running a despicable campaign and that’s why you are voting for them? Everyone knows ageism is way more offensive than racism!
"Before I cast my vote, I will correct my party affiliation and change it to No Party or Independent. Then, in the spirit of election 2008, I’ll get a manicure, pedicure, and my hair done. Might as well look pretty when I am unemployed in a city swimming with “D’s."
You are the
biggest D ever. I mean, who needs reality when you have
hurt feelings? Poor Wendy. She is so RIGHT! Why doesn’t anyone else see
that????
* Two young neo-nazi skinheads from Tennessee planned to go on a
shooting spree that would begin with mowing down black students at a
predominantly black high school and culminate with an attempt on
Obama's life. Federal agents foiled their plot. (via TPM)* High School Musical 3 pulled in 42 million dollars over the weekend. After Beverly Hills Chihuaha's smash success, it looks like our dim hope that a bear market might produce a reaction against glossy product and for hardhitting social-realist indie dramadies was entirely unfounded. (EW)
* Radar magazine and Radaronline have both folded. This is the third but probably the last time for Radar. (Jossip)
* According to Gawker, a recent Drudge headline suggests that the Wall Street Journal might be preparing to endorse Barack Obama for President.
* Jennifer Hudson's mother and her brother were found murdered on Friday; the body of her 7-year-old nephew was discovered early on Monday at a separate location. (ChicagoTribune)
* An 8 year old boy fatally shot himself in the head at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo in Westfield, Mass. He was being overseen by both his father and an instructor when, as directed, he aimed and fired the Uzi at a pumpkin. The recoil sent the front of the gun flying backward where it continued to discharge the round into his head. (AP)
* Spectacularly spooky Long Arm Squid caught on tape on an oil rig video camera at 8000 ft. With its tentacles dangling straight down below its trunk it looks oddly arachnoid. (PoeTV)
* Oprah had the Real Housewives of Orange County on the show to give them a "make under," i.e. turn them from total cockslurping whores into slightly less obvious-looking hog wranglers. Unfortunately, the looks didn't take; according to unrepentant trotsch Vicky they would never actually wear these new, relatively tasteful looks back in Cali. (via Jezebel)
* In less terrifying news, Republican Senator and Cantankerous Shitheel Ted Stevens has been convicted of all corruption charges filed against him, improving the Democrats' odds of capturing a full 60-seat majority on November 4th.
Recent Comments
momorg on Two Ex-Ex-Gays From the USA: Glad the one on the right decided to come back to ...
Cousin Geri on Downi Babies Are Special: they look like regular babis to me!...
tyler on The Ever-Growing Boycott List, Item 82: Prince: Prince has been dead to me for a long time. He's a...
bmad on Zac Efron Performs "Wuthering Heights": i have watched this at least a hundred times today...
tyler on Sunday Link Dump!: LOL, I know....
Bobo on Sunday Link Dump!: "If it's Sunday..." Like we've ever had a Sunday l...
tyler on Behar/Nixon: Joy Behar is the David Frost of our time....
Harpersfairy on Finally: Scientific Test for Homosexuality: Aww, video no longer available. Someone have a li...
Bobo on Behar/Nixon: Funny title....