Gaiety: September 2008 Archives

Okay Claymates, you can go ahead and jump out the window now!  You will never have the privilege of experiencing Mr. American Idol In Waiting Clay Aiken's silky ween or ample boibewbs!

Kelly Ripa, better go get that STD test after all!

This will come as a stunning shocker to no one, but CLAY HAS COME OUT!

In honor of this momentous occasion I urge all proud Feys to follow the link, light some candles, put a slow jam of IF I WAS INVISIBLE on the hifi and masturbate to his erotic (but only seminude) webcam pics and romantic (yet charmingly chaste) chat room dialogue.

Empire's next.

Homophobia: Now for Mac Users!

Until we visited the spiffy new iProtect website, we were under the impression that California's gay-marriage repealing Proposition 8 was just a fast sinking ballot measure put together by dingbat Gail Knight and a bunch of old, retarded Mormons. But thanks to the thoroughly geriatric ProtectMarriage.com's shamelessly cannily rebranded spin-off iProtect, we now know that denying California's gays and lesbians their right to equal marriage rights is no longer just for olds and squares. Alts, homies, bitches, and sk8rz be digging it too!

"My name's Chinpussy. My favorite things are homophobia and Fred Durst's chode."

Fall into The Gap with this soulful cashmere-clad brother...or he will spoken-word some anti-gay schooling on yer ass.

"Just ask Rome! ZING!"

Wow! Sk8rH8r is a master of both bitchin' ollies and stingingly rhetorical questions!

If you think iProtect's homepage is a supreme piece of cultural retardation, just wait till we lead you through their gay marriage "Video Poll!"

Ding dong! That was the sound of wedding bells for designer gays Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan who got married late last week.

Simon Doonan and Jonathan Adler were married Thursday evening at the Clift Hotel in San Francisco. Howard Steiermann, a minister of the Universal Ministries, officiated at a ceremony that included Jewish traditions.

Adler is the j'adorable interior decorator and judge on Bravo's Top Design, Doonan is the creative director of Barneys.

Congrats to these pocket pet homos on their stylishly sexless marriage!

Remember this coffeehouse dyke from the mid-90s? The one you thought might get famous one day for writing a bitching feminist zine or maybe an underground comic? Can you believe she grew up to become a shiny, post-Ellen powerhouse of a MSM pundit? With her own show?

I am so proud of Maddow. Scratch that: I am so proud OF US.

(image via Gawker)

Uh oh!  It looks like Sarah Palin is going to continue in the long line of TOTALLY HOMOPHOBIC lady-politicians who keep themselves all groomed, propped up and pretty by employing an elite, secretive cabal of self-hating HOMOSEXUAL TRAITORS.

Today's Page Six reports that

...Palin has a secretive circle of stylists who dress her for events. For her big speech in St. Paul, where she accepted the GOP's vice-presidential nod, this fashion-conscious team encouraged the Alaska governor to splurge on a $2,500 jacket from Saks Fifth Avenue designed by Valentino Garavani.

Palin, shunning the pantsuits favored by Hillary Clinton, wore the top during her first big speech, where she told McCain's delegates: "I was just your average hockey mom, and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids' public education better."

But she's springing for designer labels. One source familiar with Palin's primping posse told us, "They do not want the American public to know that Palin is using stylists or that she is paying for expensive clothes this early on in the campaign."

 

Of course the item doesn't come out and say exactly who comprises this secet society of stylists, hairdressers and tanning-bed technicians, but I think it's safe to say that it's a BRAVO SHOW waiting to happen!  Unlike a certain unfashionable lady demmy, Sarah Palin would be nothing without her glasses and her hair and her little skirties.  And John McCain would be nothing without Sarah Palin.  In other words: UNDERCOVER GAY TURNCOATS are the ones driving the entire McCain campaign.  WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?  And also can we please bring back John McCain's faggy sweaters???

 

(Page Six via Queerty)

In an on-the-scene report covering the TOTAL COLLAPSE of the American financial sector, two men, according to CNN anchor Kiran Chetry, "make light of a bad situation" by "pretending to console each other." It sure looks real to me! And by "real," I mean HAWT!

From Huff Po

Really, we don't ask that much of a male nude photospread: no "fun" with food or (especially) condiments. No hideously mis-coiffed or ruinously mis-styled models.

And, for the love of G-O-D, please: NO ANIMALS IN THE FRAME!

I suppose the hypothetical "female readership" of Playgirl magazine might've found it reassuring to see these men were secret softies about animals. And for these entirely-imaginary ladies perhaps that reassurance, that sense that these permy-mulleted men possessed such tender Gentle Ben sympathies, could maybe have translated into arousal. FINE. But at the very least you'd think Playgirl would have had the good sense to save the animal-patting for the clothed, non-nude portions of the spread!

For some nauseating NSFW pics of not-quite-bestiality, click on the bing-bong,

This clip's loadscreen should produce a nice rainbow-on-rainbow effect. 

(h/t Walt)

Like Judiths Light and Barsi, the inimitable Cynthia Plaster Caster is nothing less than a true American hero!!!

Many of you will remember Cynthia from her famous plaster rendering of Jimi Hendrix's giant, but not especially handsome BURRITO. Indeed, Cynthia has been making casts of musicians' DONGS since the late 1960s.

Here is her description of a *sticky* experience she had with Jimi's bush:

Jimi's pubes got stuck in the mold because I didn't lube them enough. I spent the next 15 minutes pulling out each individual hair one by one, while he had intercourse with just the right sized repository — his negative impression! This unexpected delay made him late for his show that evening, where he was seen scratching his crotch a lot onstage.

Yikes! For a pittance, Jimi's plaster COCK is available for purchase from Cynthia's website, where several other rock star penis molds are up for sale too. 75% of the proceeds from these WANGS goes to the Cynthia P. Caster Foundation (founded in 2002) and 25% goes to the musician whose MEMBER has been cast. (In case you were wondering, the CPC Foundation "is a legally sanctioned not-for-profit institution whose mission is to give money away to 'cutting-edge' musicians and artists in financial need.")

More NSFW rock star DICKS after the JUMPY!!!

You know that friend you have who is always winding up being a total whore by accident?  You know, the kind of friend who is always calling you the morning after some totally foolish sex jam that he just doesn't know how he got himself into?  "I just wanted to play Scrabble!  I don't know what happened!"

I'm sure you know the friend I am talking about.  (If you don't, the friend is you.)

Michael Lucid's Riley Comix is a feybulously REPULSIVE online comic about one such hapless slut-- the kind we all know and love. It stars a supposed "twink" named Riley -- who appears to be between the ages of 50 and 60 and in poor health -- and his nemesis, the truly nefarious (and similarly desiccated) Patrique, who's constantly trying for indeterminate reasons to trick Riley into having anal buttsex with a monstercocked musclebear named Beercan.

Riley, being the hothouse flower type, never MEANS to end up with a dick up his butt, but somehow... OOPSIES!  I'm sure you know how it goes: You're just going for a little spin down the waterslide and suddenly: DICK IN BUTT!

Listen, although THE ADVENTURES OF RILEY is to me very hilarious, this comic is actually SO FUCKING DISGUSTING that I am not certain I can post a sample page on this here Feyfriends. There is just something about the emaciated LEERING faces and throbbing boners that just makes my stomach turn.  Trust me, you don't want to see it.  Really I promise you, you will vomit. 

But if you're curious to see how the story started above continues into the realm of the EXTREMELY NSFW, click below!

Don't let the load image scare you. It's actually probably SFW...as long as your boss doesn't have some weird hangup about violent, underwear-clad man-on-man goosing.

(via PoeTV)

Out has put up some pretty decent argument fodder, a list of the 100 Greatest, Gayest Albums of All Time. But because the poll includes both records by gays AND beloved-by-gays records by straights, and because this kind of listicle really has no interest in nor makes any attempt at being authoritative, and most of all because they actually allowed Darren Hayes of SAVAGE FUCKING GARDEN to vote, it's all really a big wash.

It's total schmuck-bait, but I'll bite: Bikini Kill's Pussy Whipped is included--good--but where t.f. is Huggy Bear's Taking the Rough With the Smooch? Or Hole's Live Through This? Nevermind gets some love but Incesticide and In Utero are totally shut out? That's insane, as they were far queerer records than Nevermind. I used to read and reread the liner notes to Incesticide because they contained Cobain's at-that-point totally heroic assertion "If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different colour, or women, please do us this one favour for us - leave us the fuck alone! Don't come to our shows, and don't buy our records." That single line meant more to me than Sarah MacLachlan's entire Fumbling With My Vibrator, coming in at a shamefully high #31.

On a similar note, it's weird not to include anything by Pansy Division. I could never tolerate their music, but their album covers and 7" sleeves were the closest thing to actual gay porn I could get my sweaty hands on when I was 14.

Also: Tracy Chapman's Tracy Chapman all the way at #3? If you're going to reveal your age and indifferent-yuppie-from-the-80's record-buying patterns, why not just throw Paul Simon's Graceland and Peter Gabriel's So on the list and be done with it?

Also: the Rent soundtrack? VOM.

Full list after the kling klong.  

 

Get in shape, Girl!  You love the feeling!  It's so appealing!  Could any commercial be more perfectly tailored to attracting the tastemaking sensibilities of five-year-old feys?

I think not!  I wanted this toy so bad when I was a little kid and thought it was the height of unfairness (SEXISM!!!) that there was no such thing as GET IN SHAPE BOY.  Because what about the Danskin-inclined BOYS who wanted to stay in shape by twirling ribbons?  I mean BLUE RIBBONS, naturally! 

(via Doree)

Bmad, remember that lengthy argument we had about whether or not they'd be able to successfully package this Harvey Milk movie into a plausible award-season prestige pic? How you were all like "no way" and I was all like "oh, defs?"

The movie still might suck, mind you. I'm just saying that I was right.

Sidenote: the presumably small-but-pivotal role of Dianne Feinstein is being played by an unknown named Ashlee Temple. I'm oddly fascinated by the role Dianne Feinstein played in Harvey Milk's career and his death so I'm curious to see how she performs in the film and how big her role is.

(h/t Videogum)

Truly! (h/t Slog)