Foolishness: February 2008 Archives
This banned Carl Jr's advertisement is both disgusting and genuinely homoerotic.
After her seminal performance as Woman in Diner in Spaceballs, blonde tartlet Rhonda Shear went on to become television’s Second Wealthiest Actress thanks to her role as the sexy host of USA’s “Up All Night”—the go-to spot in the ’90s for cinephiles and horny dudes alike—where she laid such golden eggs as: “Surfing and Nazis go together like cream cheese and nails,” “It’s hotter than a Pepsi from a hotel vending machine,” and “I haven’t seen this much action on the beach since my bikini top came off!”
According to her awesome Cheap-Trick-blasting Myspace page, you can still catch her at local truckstops wherever in “Pajama Party Show,” her touring slumber party of the freshest of fresh comediennes, or on the Home Shopping Network promoting her line of hot lingerie based on a complex mathematical theory called “Slip Into Slim!” She's even a contributing writer for DOLLS MAGAZINE!
A bonus video of Shear hawking Lace Control Panties after the jump!
According to her awesome Cheap-Trick-blasting Myspace page, you can still catch her at local truckstops wherever in “Pajama Party Show,” her touring slumber party of the freshest of fresh comediennes, or on the Home Shopping Network promoting her line of hot lingerie based on a complex mathematical theory called “Slip Into Slim!” She's even a contributing writer for DOLLS MAGAZINE!
A bonus video of Shear hawking Lace Control Panties after the jump!
Continue reading More Confusing than a Mexican Menu!.
I thought stories about women who accidentally gave birth while doing No. 2 were just urban legends made up by vadgephobic feys like me, but apparently this story is legit:
A newborn baby girl fell through the toilet in a moving train and onto the tracks moments after her mother prematurely gave birth, surviving nearly two hours before being found, relatives said Thursday.It'd take a thorough appraisal and analysis of current locomotive waste-disposal systems and procedures to even begin to fathom how incredible this story really is. But I'm tired, so you're on your own for that.
(h/t Fagistan)
Attention nerds: this is a video of a man playing TELSTAR on a theremin. Thank you to l'il ronnie for tipping me to this.
Sweden's favorite redheaded imp invents a new word. WARNING: This is only moderately amusing.
For those who unfamiliar with the joy of PIPPI, please read John Sanchez's classic paean at Blair Magazine.
For those who unfamiliar with the joy of PIPPI, please read John Sanchez's classic paean at Blair Magazine.
Believe it or not, Liz Taylor turned 76 today. You wouldn't know it from watching her talk about marriage in this video. As my grandmother used to say, "if I could only be as beautiful as Elizabeth Taylor!!" If only!!!
Happy, b-day, La Liz!
It’s official: I’m boycotting Southwest. While on a flight from Tampa to Los Angeles, where they were sure to be the next Paris and Nicole, eighteen-year-old best friends Nisreen Swedberg and Sarah Williams were unduly forced to wait for bottled water and, after causing a disturbance on the flight, were met in Los Angeles by four uniformed officers—clearly a case of discrimination. As Williams points out: “Nobody else on the plane looked like us, except us.” (via Funfriends)
No Diablo, you didn't...thanks for giving us the heads up!
I'm surprised it took this long for risque, stripper-era Diablo Cody pics to hit, but Egotastic finally has a wide selection of coy, amateurish not-quite-nudie pixx up for your perusal. Check 'em out!
In other Cody news, Courtney Love is apparently totally stoked about Diablo's Oscar win.
That's right. I did just embed an awesome SNL clip from Hulu.com.
It’s hard to believe that just two decades ago, a wave of baby-skinnings and blood-orgies swept through the humble neighborhoods of This Great Nation. But thanks to a tireless few, like investigative powerhouses Sally Jesse Raphael and Geraldo Rivera, a path was forged for SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) victims like Lauren Stratford to come forward with their shocking stories.
Having been pimped out by her mother to various "smelly" men as a child, Stratford belonged to an undisclosed satanic cult "off and on" for about six years—during which she performed for kiddie pornographers and sacrificed two of her own children to snuff films and another to ritualistic torching—and thankfully lived to pen a best-selling account of her experience, titled Satan’s Underground. Never mind the many, many critics (some of them Christian!) questioning the “validity” of her story, Lauren Stratford was an American Hero, a true survivor—whether it be of SRA or the Holocaust.
More satanic mayhem after the jump!
Having been pimped out by her mother to various "smelly" men as a child, Stratford belonged to an undisclosed satanic cult "off and on" for about six years—during which she performed for kiddie pornographers and sacrificed two of her own children to snuff films and another to ritualistic torching—and thankfully lived to pen a best-selling account of her experience, titled Satan’s Underground. Never mind the many, many critics (some of them Christian!) questioning the “validity” of her story, Lauren Stratford was an American Hero, a true survivor—whether it be of SRA or the Holocaust.
More satanic mayhem after the jump!
Continue reading What About the Children?.
The news of J-Lo's new mommyhood brought a tear to this fey's eyes. It seems like only yesterday she was a sassy single, blowing us all delicious taco-flavored kisses.
Check out more hot pics of Jenny From The Block at Planet HIltron.
Oh, this old thing? An udderly irresistible PETA ad about milk. (h/t BOBO)
Quite possibly the most important charity single of our time, the 1989 “Spirit of the Forest”—written by the guy responsible for the equally important "Under the Boardwalk”—features a superhero cast of the feyest of fey icons, including Debbie Harry, Donna Summer, Taylor Dayne, Kate Bush, Joni Mitchell, Belinda Carlisle, and Olivia Newton-John. Fighting fire with fire, the anthem features such incendiary lyrics as “I hear the cry of the Yanomami, the kookaburra, and the golden monkey,” cried out emotionally against an acoustic battle between chainsaws and elephants.
Now here is a plight I can empathize with:
The illegality is kind of a cruel joke, given the demographic crossover between ferret owners and Californians.
The illegality is kind of a cruel joke, given the demographic crossover between ferret owners and Californians.
...through Song!
I expect amateurish, off-key political songs from liberal-arts feminist street-theater types, but I thought one thing I could count on from conservative pundit chicks is that if they can't sing they, you know, wouldn't.
I was wrong. :(
I expect amateurish, off-key political songs from liberal-arts feminist street-theater types, but I thought one thing I could count on from conservative pundit chicks is that if they can't sing they, you know, wouldn't.
I was wrong. :(
So here is the thing: Courtney Love looks terrible, if the "home Polaroids" on her Myspace page are any indication. And unlike in the past, when her "terrible" was actually 90% amazing (the thrown-together heroin-unchicness of her early days; the blown-up Amanda Lepore look in recent years), she now looks terrible in that tanned-leather-shoe way, more Tampa than Malibu. Still, could anything be more Courtney Love than displaying yourself in all your glory, however wretched?
...Amanita Muscaria! Best part: "When I lived in Mendocino, California..."
Here's a little NSFW (but only just barely) clip from BBC 2's miniseries adaptation of Alan Hollinghurst's brilliant "The Line of Beauty." It would seem difficult to turn Hollinghurst's story of (mostly gay) sex and political intrigue among privileged mid-80's Thatcherites into a totally NOT HOT bore, but on the basis of this and this clip, that's pretty much what they've done.
Ugh.
Couldn't they at least have inserted a dissolve or a wipe to suggest that our protagonist Nick (who in the film looks like an even dykier Chris O'Donnell) was capable of lasting longer than -- and I counted -- 17 seconds? 17 seconds WITH a condom? That's just shameful.
They've sold a multicam sitcom pilot to ABC about--wait for it--a gay guy and his straight best friend and business partner! It's just like "Will & Grace" only this time...it's just like "Will & Grace."
Variety reminds us not to confuse this pilot with Max Mutchnick and David Kohan's last project, a stalled pilot at CBS about...a gay guy and his straight best friend and business partner!
Wow.
Someone call John Waters! While Artemisbell has a front door and Venetian blinds, Guru Rasa von Werder’s got a satin curtain and a set of 44DDs. Our visionary prophet from the “University of Mother God Church, Woman Thou Art God!” has, among her 343 videos, not only those offering a little shake-shake, but also lectures espousing the virtues of matriarchy via mystical, womynly topics like “Hooker Yes Peanut Butter No,” “Stop Masturbation Start Enemas,” “Steeples Lingams Domes & Yonis,” and of course Queen Mother Hillary Clinton!
In the interest of finding new ways to draw visitors to our site, I read this interesting how-to article on ProBlogger about crafting posts that catch on with popular social bookmarking sites like stumbleupon, digg, and d.el.ic.i.ous (link broken -- wtf). From my brief survey of this and similar articles, it seems that the best way to attract regular, frequent visitors to your site is to consistently write usefully about useful things.
Clearly, Stuff White People Like, which is currently burning up the Delicious charts, does exactly that, routinely finding new answers to that age-old puzzler: "What do white people like, anyway?"
According to their no doubt thorough research, white people like such things as cycling, Asian women, expensive sandwiches, the Sunday New York Times, and hiking (pictured).
Their coverage is extremely thorough. In fact, I was just about to write in and challenge a particularly notable omission I thought I'd found, but it seems I was hasty: they've got it covered.
I dug up this old chestnut from pediatrician Dr. Alan Greene's online Q&A column. In it, he is posed a very disturbing question, by some obviously very disturbed parents:Dr. Greene, my 14-month-old son has a recessed penis. Ever since we had him circumcised, the penis has recessed into a pad of fat surrounding it. In order for it to emerge, we have to push on either side of the pad. Our pediatrician assured us that as he thinned out, it would emerge on its own. This has not occurred and we are worried that part of the circumcision has re-adhered. We have concerns about social, urinary, and erection issues.Eww! These crazy parents have been neurotically poking, prodding, and fluffing their baby boy! Clearly Dr. Greene is going to tell them to take a chill pill, let nature take its course, and leave their poor son's wee weenie alone, right?
Please help us. We are having difficulty finding information on this topic. Is there a surgical procedure that would fix this? Thank you
WRONG. This is how Dr. Greene's response begins:
IT'S A BOY! When we first glimpse our children in the delivery room, their sex is one of the immediate things we notice. It's also one of the first things we report to family and friends...many of us have seen evidence on ultrasound before they were born, but still at birth, we look to see.WHAT?! Clearly dealing with neurotic obsessive parents, Dr. Greene encourages their worst fears by describing a host of terrifying sounding possibilities, all broadly lumped under the category "inconspicuous penis": "webbed penis," "concealed penis", "trapped penis" (HOLY FUCK!) ... all the way on down to the worst of all possible scenarios, "absent penis" (CHRIST!). Some measures he suggests for diagnosis and/or treatment include consulting a pediatric urologist; manually pulling on the baby's pudenda, stretching it out, and measuring it (!!!) to compare against his handily provided chart of normal baby penile length and girth; and hormone (testosterone!) therapy or surgery for the baby.
How disconcerting to parents when a boy's penis seems to disappear, either at birth or shortly thereafter. The good news is that the outlook is bright. Sometimes surgery is needed, sometimes medical treatments...
Why not just mash up a bunch of Enzyte in Baby Tyler's peas and carrots?
We began the day with cute rabbits. Let's close it out with another.
Olivia Judson, of the New York Times, has “tyrannical romantic fantasies” on the mind. No, she’s not thinking about boning Bush or Kim Jong-il. Nor is she dreaming, as I am, about doing gay-heartthrob Ahmadinejad. This evolutionary biologist is salivating over: T. Rexes.
“Did he bite her neck in rapture and exude a musky scent?,” she asks breathlessly. Did the T. Rex have a wiener (or even two!), she wonders hungrily, and just how big were those dinosaur testes? Someone get this woman a time machine!
She helpfully explains:
In species where females usually mate with a single male during a breeding episode, penises tend to be small and uninteresting. In those where females mate with several males (whether by choice or by force), penises are typically larger, and come with fancy decorations such as grooves, nobbles, and spikes.
On second thought: Can anyone blame her?
(h/t kswish of FunFriends)
Even when Camille gets a bit batty, or starts repeating herself about the nonexistence of global-warming or the unsung brilliance of Sean Hannitty (read: always) she can usually be counted on to wax hilariously poetic in eulogy of some recently deceased b-lister or TV actress.From Salon:
I was shocked to read of the recent death of Suzanne Pleshette, one of the most intelligent and underutilized actresses in Hollywood. (snip) Because Pleshette died over the Martin Luther King holiday weekend, the first bulletins on major online news sites, clearly being manned by 25-year-old greenhorns in the absence of senior staff, made reference only to the death of an unnamed actress who had played a "TV wife." I didn't even bother looking at first. A day later, however, as the impact hit (and vacationing cognoscenti clearly squawked), Pleshette's name was blazoned in every headline.
Pleshette loomed large in my book for the British Film Institute on Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds,"
where she plays a darkly lovelorn schoolteacher, Annie Hayworth, who gets cut down by a flock of crows in chaotic Bodega Bay, Calif. Pleshette's deft parry and thrust, punctuated by cigarettes, with the coolly composed Tippi Hedren, is a model of virtuoso screen acting. For the book, I used a full-page on-set candid photo of Pleshette with the caption, "Annie Hayworth may be dead, but Suzanne Pleshette lives!" She'll certainly live forever for me. Here's a