FEY ALERT: September 2008 Archives
No Wii R Not!
Fey Recap: This week we looked at Survivor's Dickslip, Playgirl's Smushy Tushies, Sarah Palin's Big Adventure, Diesel's Cartoon-cloaked Porno, the Hip New Face of Homophobia, and congratulated Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan's Gay Marriage of Stylish, Elegant Convenience. What follows is what we neglected to mention.
It Sings!: Perez Hilton released his first single, "The Clap." Sample lyric: "When you love someone, take it slow/Don't let them rape your bussyhole." I like it.
Buffy's Back!: Sarah Michelle Gellar is in talks to star in a new HBO halfhour called "The Wonderful Maladys." This is so crazy because just yesterday while watching my new favorite show "True Blood" I had the (totally unoriginal) thought that SMG really, really needed to return to television, where she was the biggest effing star ever, from movies, where she was...not.
Speaking of Buffy: this picture made us LOL.
Speaking of True Blood: We can't help it, we (me and JMZZ) are in love with this show. This is one reason why.
Speaking of Things We Love: Hipster Runoff is the funniest altblog ever, yall. But we wonder: iz it insufficiently Alt 2 lyk things that r funny? Or 2 say we like those things? Srsly, shud we just be ALT e nuff 2 kno in our hearts that a thing is kewl, w.o. having 2 say it on our blog? What do yall think?
David Foster Wallace: Salon has this account of the last month's of DFW's life. N+1 has a student's account of DFW as a teacher; another of his students posted DFW's amazingly sweet and funny and obsessively detailed class syllabus here.
Clay's Gay: Clay Aiken came out of the closet this week, surprising exactly no one. Oh wait, lots of people were suprised! And ticked off! And homophobic! Oh well, the whole thing at least served as an occasion to remind us that FourFour is at his best and most eloquent when being totes earnest about gay stuff.
Robomommy Fail: Sarah Palin sat down with Katie Couric to discuss Alaskan-USSR relations and to reveal to the world that Steve Schmidt, Rick Davis, or whoever has been prepping her for her media appearances accidentally spilled water on her circuitboard. However, all is forgiven because apparently Palin is the the most conscientious "Thank You" note writer ever!
McClown Fail: McCain suspends campaign to help with the economic crisis, except he neither suspends his campaign nor helps.
WaMu Fail: Looks like I'm going to need a new place to deposit our pennies--PENNIES!--in ad revenue. (Srsly, yall...visit our sponsors.)
Kenley Fail: Bmad was right, I was wrong. Project Runway's Kenley IS a petulant ladybrat.
Wild Combination: Matt Wolf's documentary about musical genius Arthur Russell opens today at IFC for a limited run.
Srsly, readin hipsterrunoff is messin' with our personal brand...we can't stop writing like him. Oh well, happy weekend, yall!
NEW YORK (AP) -- Republican John McCain said Wednesday he is directing his staff to work with Democrat Barack Obama's campaign and the presidential debate commission to delay Friday's debate because of the economic crisis.
In a statement, McCain said he will stop campaigning after addressing former President Clinton's Global Initiative session on Thursday and return to Washington to focus on the nation's financial problems.
There is too much that's fishy about this (obviously totally desperate) maneuver for us to do it justice, especially the fact that Obama's team had been in talks with McCain about issuing some kind of joint statement about the economy when McCain's people pulled the rug out from them....basically you'd be better-served by following this story elsewhere.
But I really hope Obama PUSHES BACK on this move. He cannot allow McCain to (deviously, meretriciously) seize the mantle of sage, post-partisan "elder statesman" with this despicable ploy!
Also, I have Friday night debate-watching plans and I don't want to have to reschedule!
Hey, the Sarah Palin e-mail "hacker" (he guessed the VP-in-training's "secret question") is totally hot-ish! To me! He could be the lost, less virginy Jonas Bro.
I wonder if he'll be able to receive conjugal visits when he is in Gitmo?
Poor, heroic David Kernell's story is on Wired.
Okay Claymates, you can go ahead and jump out the window now! You will never have the privilege of experiencing Mr. American Idol In Waiting Clay Aiken's silky ween or ample boibewbs!Kelly Ripa, better go get that STD test after all!
This will come as a stunning shocker to no one, but CLAY HAS COME OUT!
In honor of this momentous occasion I urge all proud Feys to follow the link, light some candles, put a slow jam of IF I WAS INVISIBLE on the hifi and masturbate to his erotic (but only seminude) webcam pics and romantic (yet charmingly chaste) chat room dialogue.
Homophobia: Now for Mac Users!Until we visited the spiffy new iProtect website, we were under the impression that California's gay-marriage repealing Proposition 8 was just a fast sinking ballot measure put together by dingbat Gail Knight and a bunch of old, retarded Mormons. But thanks to the thoroughly geriatric ProtectMarriage.com's
"My name's Chinpussy. My favorite things are homophobia and Fred Durst's chode."
Fall into The Gap with this soulful cashmere-clad brother...or he will spoken-word some anti-gay schooling on yer ass.
"Just ask Rome! ZING!"
Wow! Sk8rH8r is a master of both bitchin' ollies and stingingly rhetorical questions!If you think iProtect's homepage is a supreme piece of cultural retardation, just wait till we lead you through their gay marriage "Video Poll!"
Ding dong! That was the sound of wedding bells for designer gays Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan who got married late last week.Simon Doonan and Jonathan Adler were married Thursday evening at the Clift Hotel in San Francisco. Howard Steiermann, a minister of the Universal Ministries, officiated at a ceremony that included Jewish traditions.Adler is the j'adorable interior decorator and judge on Bravo's Top Design, Doonan is the creative director of Barneys.
Congrats to these pocket pet homos on their stylishly sexless marriage!
Is there anything George Michael loves more than crack and bathroom sexxx? Apparently not! The star was found with the deadly drug after police were alerted by an attendant in the public toilets near Hampstead Heath, notorious as a hang-out for drug dealers and gay men, on Friday afternoon.Do they not have DLIST in London?
Outrageously, it looks like the Republican Kriminal Korner will not be gaining a new member after all.
Disgraced homo former Congressman MARK FOLEY (R-Gayface) will NOT, i repeat NOT, face criminal charges in Florida for his sexual relations with teen boi twinks. Why???? State officials claim there was "insufficient evidence to pursue criminal charges" against Maf54.
Oh please!! I'll give you some evidence:
Maf54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a haand job this weekend
Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny
Maf54 (7:48:00 PM): did you spank it this weekend yourself
Maf54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha
Maf54 (7:54:31 PM): where do you unload it
Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air
Maf54 (7:58:37 PM): well I have aa totally stiff wood now
Maf54 (8:00:53 PM): i like steamroom
Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake
Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab
Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me
Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Maf54 (8:09:08 PM): beautiful
Maf54 (8:09:44 PM): thats a great size
Want more? The complete IM transcripts from
Mark Foley's disgusto conversation with an underage congressional page are after the BUTTON
PRESSY
Yay! Brad Pitt donated $100K to fight California's ballot initiative to overturn gay marriage.
''Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8."
I wonder if this means Angelina is still an undecided voter or if she's now a McCain supporter like her "used tampon" dad.
In an on-the-scene report covering the TOTAL COLLAPSE of the American financial sector, two men, according to CNN anchor Kiran Chetry, "make light of a bad situation" by "pretending to console each other." It sure looks real to me! And by "real," I mean HAWT!
From Huff Po
Corporate failure and McCain shill Carly Fiorina is calling the waaambulance again! According to Carly, everything is totally SEXIST. First it was the Democratic Party's treatment of her new favorite trailblazer Hillary Clinton, then it was Lipstickonapiggate, and now it's Saturday Night Live.
MITCHELL: You are the first person from the McCain campaign I can ask, what did you think of Tina Fey as Sarah Palin?
FIORINA: Well, I think that she looked a bit like her. I think that, of course, the portrait was very dismissive of the substance of Sarah Palin, and so in that sense, they were defining Hillary Clinton as very substantive, and Sarah Palin as totally superficial. I think that continues the line of argument that is disrespectful in the extreme, and yes, I would say, sexist in the sense that just because Sarah Palin has different views than Hillary Clinton does not mean that she lacks substance. She has a lot of substance.
Gimme a break! Sexist? Disrespectful in the extreme? A LOT OF SUBSTANCE??!
Is anyone besides me going to point out that Carly Fiorina is RACIST for serially lying about Barack Obama's record? What about Carly's own record as CEO of Hewlett Packard? Sorry to be SEXIST, but Fiorina laid off 18,000 American workers and after she was "spectacularly" fired, received a $42 million golden parachute. But she will not be held hostage to the Democrats on abortion, thank you very much!
Does this person have any idea what sexism is? Maybe Carly and her fellow GOP feminists should heed the advice of Amy Poehler/Hillary Clinton and grow a pair!
Like Judiths Light and Barsi, the inimitable Cynthia Plaster Caster is nothing less than a true American hero!!!
Many of you will remember Cynthia from her famous plaster rendering of Jimi Hendrix's giant, but not especially handsome BURRITO. Indeed, Cynthia has been making casts of musicians' DONGS since the late 1960s.
Here is her description of a *sticky* experience she had with Jimi's bush:
Jimi's pubes got stuck in the mold because I didn't lube them enough. I spent the next 15 minutes pulling out each individual hair one by one, while he had intercourse with just the right sized repository — his negative impression! This unexpected delay made him late for his show that evening, where he was seen scratching his crotch a lot onstage.Yikes! For a pittance, Jimi's plaster COCK is available for purchase from Cynthia's website, where several other rock star penis molds are up for sale too. 75% of the proceeds from these WANGS goes to the Cynthia P. Caster Foundation (founded in 2002) and 25% goes to the musician whose MEMBER has been cast. (In case you were wondering, the CPC Foundation "is a legally sanctioned not-for-profit institution whose mission is to give money away to 'cutting-edge' musicians and artists in financial need.")
More NSFW rock star DICKS after the JUMPY!!!
In an interview with Philadelphia magazine, Carter articulates a position we've held for quite some time: Sarah Palin can't carry Hillary Clinton's bra!!
CARTER: Don’t get me started. She’s the anti-Wonder Woman. She’s judgmental and dictatorial, telling people how they’ve got to live their lives. And a superior religious self-righteousness … that’s just not what Wonder Woman is about. Hillary Clinton is a lot more like Wonder Woman than Mrs. Palin. She did it all, didn’t she?
Yes she did!
The
angel of sweet Heather watches over FEY FRIENDS every day, showering us
with love and beautiful memories and rainbows and unicorns. You will remember Heather from her incredible performances in such films as Poltergeist, Poltergeist II
and Poltergeist III where she created one of the richest characters in
the history of the silver screen – CAROL ANNE!!! Her scenes with another
special fey friend -- TANGINA -- are the stuff of legend. Shame on you if you don't already know, but Heather died tragically at the age of 12 from a congenital bowel obstruction – NOT from a tampon, assholes!!!
The only thing sadder than the untimely death of Heather O'Rourke is her TRASHY GRAVE. While the font is perfectly tasteful, the text shamelessly cashes in on the child actress's unforgettable work in the Poltergeist series. Obviously this doesn't really compare to the grave trashiness of Selena or Judith Barsi (yep! yep! yep!), but the taste level is still underwhelming.
"I feel completely f---ed over." That was fey hero Nancy Wilson's reaction to the Republicans' unauthorized use of Heart's "Barracuda" last night to revive the audience from John McCain's coma-inducingly boring speech.
The Wilsons' statement from EW:
"Sarah Palin's views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women. We ask that our song 'Barracuda' no longer be used to promote her image. The song 'Barracuda' was written in the late 70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women. (The 'barracuda' represented the business.) While Heart did not and would not authorize the use of their song at the RNC, there's irony in Republican strategists' choice to make use of it there."
Aren't they Canadian women? Jake Tapper also notes the oddness of the song choice considering it's lyrics.
If the real thing don’t do the trick/No, you better make up something quick/You gonna burn, burn, burn, burn it to the wick/Ooooooohhhh, barra barracuda."
Guess who is RICH? Cindy McCain! In addition to pills stolen from war veterans, Cindy also enjoys expensive clothes and jewelry! In an apparent preview for last night's theme of PROSPERITY, the outfit worn by this wannabe FLOTUS at Monday's GOP convo cost $300K, according to Vanity Fair. In comparison, the always klassy killer Laura Bush spent a bargain-basement $4K on her white-ON-Labor Day ensemble. Here's the rundown:
Cindy McCain
Oscar de la Renta dress: $3,000
Chanel J12 White Ceramic Watch: $4,500
Three-carat diamond earrings: $280,000
Four-strand pearl necklace: $11,000–$25,000
Shoes, designer unknown: $600
Total: Between $299,100 and $313,100
To borrow a line from Cindy's POW husband, isn't life grand when you are a celebrity?