It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas, literally everywhere I go. Call me a Jewy Grinch, but I refuse to let another Christmas go by without listing, for the record, the songs that ruin my holiday experience year after year. Here they are!
This third-most performed Christmas song is boring and condescending. As uplifting as an abortion, this song's not-so-subtle subtext is "GO FUCK YOURSELF." And I don't need you to tell me to make the yule-tide gay, thank you!
It is deeply upsetting how much pleasure this child receives from witnessing his adulterous mother “kissing" and "tickling" a strange SILVERDADDY who happens to look like Mr. C. FUN FEY FACT: the Boston Catholic Church condemned "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" in 1952 over objections to its crude combination of Christmas and sex. Can we please reinstate the ban?
7) "All I Want For Christmas"
10) "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
This third-most performed Christmas song is boring and condescending. As uplifting as an abortion, this song's not-so-subtle subtext is "GO FUCK YOURSELF." And I don't need you to tell me to make the yule-tide gay, thank you!
9) "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
It is deeply upsetting how much pleasure this child receives from witnessing his adulterous mother “kissing" and "tickling" a strange SILVERDADDY who happens to look like Mr. C. FUN FEY FACT: the Boston Catholic Church condemned "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" in 1952 over objections to its crude combination of Christmas and sex. Can we please reinstate the ban?
8) "O Christmas Tree"
Oh, shut up!
7) "All I Want For Christmas"
Totally disingenuous. Does anyone really believe that ALL Mariah Carey wants for Christmas is "you"? Maybe by "you," she means a cavernous Hamptons palace with 4 pillow rooms, a club soda bidet and 19 temperature controlled sleep-in closets for her dogs' chef. Although I hate pretty much everything about this song, Mimi gets props for her business savvy. Since she is credited as a co-writer of this song, Mariah Carey is almost certainly the wealthiest woman in the entertainment biz this side of Courtney Thorne-Smith.
The list continues after the JIZZUMP!
The list continues after the JIZZUMP!
6) "Wonderful Christmastime"
All I have to say is…
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding ohhhh
Ohhhhhhh
5) "Feliz Navidad"
Shameless pandering. Even a token Spanish-language X-mas song created for White America could have been much better than this sloppy taco. Instead, this three-line song with its lame simplicity and droning melody make me want to run for the border. Make it go away! (Though I will concede it is slightly more tolerable when sung in a
4) "Here Comes Santa Claus"
Could any lyrics be more uninspired than “right down Santa Claus Lane”? I am also uncomfortable with “Here Comes Santa Claus’” largely unknown religious message:
Santa knows that we're God's children,
That makes everything right….
Let's give thanks to the Lord above,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.
Since when is SANTA a religious figure? Is he going to smite me?
3) "Do They Know It's Christmas"
Band-Aid’s classic contribution to the pantheon of 80s mutual masturbatory celebrity charity songs was inspired by the Ethiopian famine of 1984-5. To answer your question, NO, rich British pop stars, they do NOT know it’s Christmas. And they don’t care either because they are starving to death.
2) "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
This could be the most depressing Christmas song EVER made. I mean, the entire premise of the song is fabricated on LIES. “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me. I’ll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams.” Except that you WON’T be home for Christmas, and we CAN’T count on you. Oh, you’ll be home in your DREAMS!!? You are such an ASSHOLE.
1) "Hey Santa"
I'm sorry, BMAD, this is an absolute travesty from start to finish. Not only is the song completely insufferable, but the video is nothing short of a human rights violation. It's hard to tell what is more offensive - Carnie Wilson’s morbid obesity or Wendy Wilson’s shame about it. The only highlight is when Carnie disgustedly throws a decapitated snowman’s head out the window over Wendy's flaccid whimpers of “Hey Santa.” At least Carnie is jolly...hmmm...HEY CARNIE!
HAPPY HOLIDAZE!!!!
Love your blog and your worst christmas music list! I"m putting one together for my podcast, so it was nice to read yours for inspiration for my own "Tacky Xmas Music" list.
You rock!
I agree with most of this list, however "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", is a unique piece of music that works on more than just the saccarine christmas carol level. Written in 1944 for "Meet Me In St. Louis", the wistful tone of a carol in a minor key was embraced by all of the worried family members who had loved ones over seas fighting in WW2. It was the right song at the right time and is an important piece of American history.
Having said that- Feliz Navidad is like omg so gaydamn annoying. totes gross!
David is correct. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" did much to support our troups during WWII. When Garland sang it at the Hollywood Canteen it is said there wasn't a dry eye in the house, It was very popular with our troops. The original lyric was, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, It may be your last." But Garland thought it was to depressing and changed the lyric. It was, indeed, the right song for the right time. You should have done some homework before you made such a tastless comment.
Honestly, I'm a little puzzled as to why "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is on this list. I grieve for you over your inability to enjoy this timeless piece of music.
Are you questioning my PATRIOTISM?? I love veterans more than anyone and I am deeply offended by your implication that not liking this horrible song somehow means that I don't support WWII troops!!! YOU CAN ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE XMAS!
So, where's the subtle "Go Fuck Yourself" subtext? It is certainly melancholy but it is ultimately uplifting. Bottom line, many people have "suffered" through a tragic Christmas or two, what with lost loves, lost hopes, lost lives. If the song gives them a little comfort, it's work is done.
That said, of course you have the right to hate it, for no reason at all. It just seemed your reasons were created to justify your hatred of it. Condescending? Not in any meaning of the word with which I'm familiar. But that's why there's chocolate and vanilla...
Happy Christmas!
Not sure I appreciate the "Jewy Grinch" comment. As a person of the Jewish faith, I enjoy such holiday music. Perhaps you could have just stopped at "Grinch" (unless of course, you are Jewish!) LOL.
Great blog.
Happy Hanukkah to all, and to all a good night!
I thought I liked #10, but Judy does make it awfully depressing, and I hate how she always sounds like she's singing into the blades of an electric fan.
5 is Korean. I'm familiar with the languages, but another good giveaway is that the guys have girl hair and act like rappers. Definitely Korean.
Oopsie!
Interesting
"Jewy Grinch" at the top and "KOMMENTEN!" at the bottom.
I'm just sayin'...
"Have Yourself..." is a deeply moving piece when you understand its context. In the story of "Meet Me In St. Louis" the family is losing a lot--older sisters marrying off, dad getting a job elsewhere, the family leaving the city and people they love...and Judy's character sings the song to her little sister to encourage her (at the same time fighting her own fears and sadness, knowing it's hard to 'let your heart be light') and when I truly 'got' what the song was about by seeing the musical live and on film, it brought me to tears.
Secondly--"Since when is SANTA a religious figure?" Um, since he WAS one to begin with dumbass! Santa is a nickname for St. Nicholas, a Catholic bishop in what is now Turkey. Not only did he cowrite the Nicene Creed that many Catholics and Protestants say at every service to this day ("I believe in God, the Father Almighty and in His Son...", he also, as a youth, took gifts to the poor of his city in the secrecy of night to surprise families with much needed money, clothes, etc, giving rise to our traditions and the ever-growing and secularizing legends of "Santa". Have you ever heard of books or Google?
So now I am not only against our troops, I am a NAZI too?? How dare you! Anyone can see that this is the Fyvush Finkel of faggy blogs.
Dude, seriously...Do They Know It's Christmas is one of the greatest songs ever written. If you were a kid around that time this was THE song. All of the greatest pop stars of the time singing together for a good cause. A million times better than the copycat crap We Are The World that would come out a few months later.
judging by these komments, feyfriends has either been taken over by geriatric members of the USO or gays really don't have a sense of humor when it comes to Judy.
Band-Aid released that song and video in the hopes of raising money for the starving in Ethiopia during the great famine of 84-85.
Perhaps if you had actually listened to the lyrics, you'd have a better appreciation for the song.
The point was to "feed the world AND let them know it's Christmas time".
Maybe you weren't old enough (or born yet...?) to appreciate the charity of what was going on at the time.
Oh please, lighten up. I hate almost all of those songs and no I don't really care WHY they were written, they really have lost their sentimental value to anyone younger than a baby boomer. And what I think should be at the top of this list is that stupid song from Charlie Brown Christmas. "Christmas time is here" OMG makes me want to scream, now THAT is a depressing song and my children ( all under 11) are they ones who suggested it as the worst.,
Took a look at this article, expecting to have a few laughs. But alas, you seem to be a nasty guy. Tough break.