Oh, Worst of Playgirl! I'm going to miss you! This is our final WoP photo series, which means I will no longer have an excuse to go nosing around in vintage Playgirls for examples of dick-shrivelling anti-hotness. Which, okay, I'm also kind of relieved about. Over the past few weeks, I've actually started having freaky dreams about smushed tushes, quasi-bestiality, sweater snafus, and hideous hairdon'ts.
To that list of Playgirlian nightmare-fodder you can now add TRASH STACHES. As can be expected from vintage erotica, there's lots of pretty unforgivable facial hair literring the pages of old Playgirls: sleazy pussy ticklers, beastly beards, and dykey van dykes. We've picked out some of the worst.
Since a massive gay-hipster consensus has emerged on the ultimate desirability of grotesque facial hair configurations, I'm going to have to state my bias up front: whether from genetic happenstance or a severe testosterone deficiency, I am physically incapable of growing any kind of facial hair. As a result I tend to regard the woolly of lip and the bushy of cheek with a mixture of revulsion, awe, and stomach-churning envy.
For a look at some of the weirdest, woolliest, and just plain WRONGEST facial grooming choices from Playgirl's past, click on the NSFW bing bong.
To that list of Playgirlian nightmare-fodder you can now add TRASH STACHES. As can be expected from vintage erotica, there's lots of pretty unforgivable facial hair literring the pages of old Playgirls: sleazy pussy ticklers, beastly beards, and dykey van dykes. We've picked out some of the worst.
Since a massive gay-hipster consensus has emerged on the ultimate desirability of grotesque facial hair configurations, I'm going to have to state my bias up front: whether from genetic happenstance or a severe testosterone deficiency, I am physically incapable of growing any kind of facial hair. As a result I tend to regard the woolly of lip and the bushy of cheek with a mixture of revulsion, awe, and stomach-churning envy.
For a look at some of the weirdest, woolliest, and just plain WRONGEST facial grooming choices from Playgirl's past, click on the NSFW bing bong.
THIS STACHE is undoubtedly TRASH, but it's facing some stiff competition from the denim shacket, the green velvet couch, the puma-print pillows and...
...the matching puma-print G-STRING! It's obvs this guy's day job is operating the ZAMBONI at the ice rink.
My PUSSY TICKLES just looking at this guy's bristly whiskers!
Looks like he's trimmed down every bit of hair on his body EXCEPT for his hideous POOPSTACHE.
Aww, is my making fun of your trash stache making you self-conscious? Self-conscious enough to maybe consider, I dunno, SHAVING IT OFF?
Good boy.
This man is made out of paintbrush bristles and damp clay.
So Quaidy!
Escape to Grizzly Mountain.
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.
Have you noticed this photo series features more genuinely large Ds than any of the previous sets? Correlation between penis size and facial hair? With totally beardless me being the exception that proves the rule, of course. OF COURSE! REALLY!
This guy can't stop smiling about that DIRTY SANCHEZ he just got.
And NOTHING will persuade Sr. Sanchez to wipe it off.
NOTHING.
"What? Is there something on my upper lip? I only ask because you keep staring at it? What? What is it? No, it's okay, you can tell me."
OH MY GOD! It's Jackyl's Jesse Dupree! And he's got a FUCKING CHAINSAW!
Jesse! You don't have any facial hair! What are you doing in my Trash Stache spread? And again: what's with the chainsaw?!
Apparently, Dupree is too busy rocking out to answer my questions!
JESSE!
Okay Jesse, I get it. You are what you are. But still, this is MY Trash Stache spread and unless you remove yourself quickly from the premises I am going to have to call the authorites!
I tried to warn you!
Take solace: one day the DISGUSTING CATERPILLAR on this man's lip will be a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!
What's that newspaper he's reading with his morning coffee? The Washington Scroll? The New York Parchments? Oh god, I am officially out of worthy zings.
IT IS OVER. And not just because Jesse Dupree crashed the party and created a momentary ruckus. It's deeper than that. I'm out of zings for a reason, and the reason is that I can't keep making fun of these mustacheoied men and pretending that I am not deeply, deeply aroused and attracted by each and every one of them. Yes, even Senor Sucio Sanchez!
Even this guy.
Even this one.
OMG even (especially?) this one.
You sir are 10 times the man that I will ever be. EVER. You are beautiful. (Oh god what am I doing? I PROMISED MYSELF I would never post about men that I actually find attractive!) I would pay good money for just one of this man's sweet, sweet CATERPILLAR KISSES.
This is like the definition of a TRASH STACHE and even it leaves me quivering with self-disgust, envy, and arousal! What is wrong with me that I can't even grow a measly pencil-thin stache? Every time I go to Metropolitan or The Phoenix I am like the only homo without one! Even the ugliest, most poseur-y 'staches are irresistible to me! I'm fucking thirty years old and I will always and forever be perceived as nothing more than a boy! I have zero authentic masculinity...zilch!
Al Cavuto, YOU ARE A MUSTACHIOED GOD and I am merely an ant. A pathetic, hairless ant.
I made fun of you before! Will you now allow me to grovel at your feet for a moment, in abject apology for my totally fraudulent and unfunny satire which, in case you haven't figured it out by now, was nothing more than a pathetic emanation of my baby-faced self-hate? Will you please?
Man: "Kid, relax! Having a mustache goes in and out of style! Besides which, it's TOTALLY okay not to have facial hair! It takes all kinds and all that. The best thing you can do is to just get comfortable with the assets you do have, cuz really, there's nothing more attractive than a secure man."
Me: "And so...when I get secure? Then will you have sex with me?"
Man: "ARE YOU KIDDING? I DON'T FUCK TWINKS!"
Me: "Wahhh."
For other entries in our Worst of Playgirl series, click here.
(All images via Black Dogue's Amazing Archives.)
Is it a Poopstache or a POOP-BAND-AID?
I recognize both "Jerry Pedersoli" and "David Grant" as dead gay porn stars (under assumed names.)
The asian symbols on some of them I recognize from pre-web days. Those playboy pics were scanned by a person who was regularly digitizing and uploading them into internet usenet groups.
"David Grant" and "Jim Waldrop" are actually gay porn stars from the 70's and 80's
Penii are funny looking; even the attractive ones.
What I actually find worst about so many of these "worst of Playgirl" photos is the extremely cheap and half-assed art direction. The man made entirely of "paint bristles and molded clay" (the best description of a human being since Henry James described someone as looking like a giraffe) is pretty horrifying, but more horrifying is the fact that his romantic champagne is a) being kept in a dented tin bucket and b) is placed on a rusty old patio chair my grandma hid behind the bush and wouldn't allow guests to sit on.
I have to say the best part about having the ability to grow extreme facial hair (and I'll admit to a tendency toward Rasputinish beards) is that hot straight guys always covet my beard and stroke it as if I were the main attraction at a homoerotic petting zoo. Unfortunately, they still won't have sex with me.
But you have to take the bad with the good. Once I lit my beard on fire and my face was THIS CLOSE to being melted off my skull. Now I use asbestos conditioner. So, Bobo, there are worse things than being hairless!
"This man is made out of paintbrush bristles and damp clay."
I believe that hairstyle is called the "dry heave."
What is fascinating about these images is that there is the barest sign of an erection.
How times have changed - thankfully!
horrifying.
im going to send it to all my friends.
I THINK I JIZZED MY PANTS!
Sorry, you are wrong: Erik Hooper is cute, moustache or not. All others, you were pretty spot-on about.
I have to admit I like the hairy chests. The white cowboy boots with chainsaw? Not so much.
Aaah, the good old days when men were actually comfortable looking like men!
Yes, the good old days! I loved all those men then and still think they are sexier than some today. Ink is nice on some men but just look at these men with their beautiful skin, hair, facial hair, body hair, bodies and they did not shave the pubic hair. Bravo!
That's actually the BEST of Playgirl. The blogger has a douchey taste in "men" for mocking these models.
If you know your penises, as well you should, the Latinate plural is penes. But do save us the trouble and spell English instead.
Quite a coinkeydink that the author finds the GAY models most attractive. I heartily concur, as my stuck pages of Playgirl (in some landfill or another) silently attest.